Living the American Green

The crazy folks at TPM are all going hippy-dippy about the same point that we made on this site a few days back.  The whole “BP might have changed their tune on the amount of oil that was spilled and the resulting tune changing has adversely affected the response to the spill to date” thing.  They, however, put more time into it, and actually made a pretty picture.  As always, a picture is worth somewhere between 960 and 1,027 words, so we’ll count this as a long post for the tabulating of word counts in this week’s LtAG competition.

To note: the top end estimate is now greater then 60,000 barrels, which is once AGAIN a change (and significant mark up) on what we wrote last week.

Check it out:

This is a to-scale image of what is now drawn on the back of BP's CEO Tony Hayward

On hearing the news that the best and brightest minds on the case of the gulf oil spill have decided to double the estimate of how much oil has been leaking into the Gulf of Mexico since this thing started, we have an important question.  At this point, it seems like a complete toss up: is this the best PR way to play this thing, or the worst?  Our heartless money driven corporate overlords started us out slow, gentle even.  But there regularly scheduled upgrades to the estimate of how much is leaking keep making things feel worse and worse.  Every time we look back there are a new number of barrels being accredited to the same picture of gushing brown stuff.  How much is a barrel, again?  (more…)

You know, BP really just got unlucky.  Could have happened to any of the giant oil-drilling behemoths that are also not doing a very careful job of checking their machinery in a desperate attempt to drive the bottom line even higher.  You almost feel bad for them, don’t you?

Yeah, neither do I. This is brilliant though:

Suck it, Exxon.  BP just straight up passed you.

Exxon Valdez: #2 in our hearts.

As the battle for who can us the phrase “Top Kill” the most times in a 24 hour news cycle rages on, Exxon has moved to #2 in the all time Oil Spill rankings.  That’s right: no matter what oil metric you are using, Deepwater has passed the Valdez for the worst oil spill in American history.

But with the plug procedure that is seemingly going well right now, our nation is gearing up to start the blame game.  Aw Shucks Jindal and James the Raging Cajun are pretty sure it’s that egghead Barry’s fault, either because he let it happen or because he’s not down there cleaning up oil right now.  Both takes seem fair to us.

On the other hand, the people we shouldn’t be blaming are the Government watchdog group Minerals Management Service.  Do you know how hard they work?  How much they do every day to steward the national mineral wealth this nation holds for our collective common good?  They should be allowed to take a few days off every so often, and blow of some steam, but because of those crazy government rules they end up having to blow off steam at work.    And by “blow off steam”, we mean “watch porn and do meth”, which basically just sounds like an average Wednesday afternoon board meeting to us.

Perhaps more damming then the porn and the drugs (more damning?  Really?  Did we just write that??) is this:

“Her biggest concern is the ease with which minerals agency employees move between industry and government, Kendall said. While no specifics were included in the report, “we discovered that the individuals involved in the fraternizing and gift exchange — both government and industry — have often known one another since childhood,” Kendall said.”

That don’t sound at all like the thing that Obamistan ran on the platform of not allowing at all to happen, does it?

As amazing as all that is this video might be even more amazing.  This is where BP really moves past Exxon in the hearts and minds of the public — in the disturbing and horrifying images that, before this week, the Valdez spill still had on lock.  Well, watch this and then tell us: Who’s Number One now, Bitches?

When it comes to cheaply made, gauze-colored, overpriced furniture, Raymour and Flanigan has got the market cornered.  Their musical ditty, too, is one for the ages, and was first made famous by none other than President Howard Taft: “I can’t get this f***ing jingle out of my head!”  But now the ottoman oligarchy is trying a new selling tactic- I call it the “bouncing ball of flubber” greenwashing attempt.  Check it out:

This is certainly the oddest greenwashing commercial I’ve hit upon yet.  Specifically, I single out this text:

Cardboard becomes something like books or paper products.  Plastic and styrofoam turns into things like toys and every day useful items.  Now that’s truly beautiful.

Whoever wrote this dialogue is not really sure (a) what recycling is for, or (b) how exactly it works.  Apparently, in the R & F recylcing plant:  leftover boxes and plastic tarps have a parade, then start a conga line, and finish by dropping acid and following green balls of flubber into recycling machines.  Instantly, teddy bears and books appear, whirling around in a reefer haze, making the world greener with every bouncy step.  Ah, the magical world of recycling.  I’d like to take a tour of this factory.

Oh GOD! Why is HE here?? Is he BACK?? Who would want to listen to HIM?

Today, that bastion of Liberal NewsSpeak, the New York Times, ran a story about how even the crazy conservationists were saying that, you know, maybe this whole oil spill thing might actually be able totally overblown and hey, maybe we can get this thing cleaned up after all!

The Gulf of Mexico Foundation, basically in the same tree-hugging love fest as GreenPeace, had this to say, as quoted in the NYT:

“The sky is not falling. We’ve certainly stepped in a hole and we’re going to have to work ourselves out of it, but it isn’t the end of the Gulf of Mexico.”

A realistic, but positive take on the whole kerfuffle!

The Times didn’t bother to mention that the group in question was directly connected to the offshore drilling industry, including the people who made the rig that caught on fire and started pouring out oil.  But, since Transocean, the company that owns the Deepwater Horizon rig (which rents the rigs to BP), is the paragon of virtue, we can only assume that their people are on point and that the Times was right to take them exactly at their word and not disclose anything more about them then that they were a “conservation organization”.  That is what we are assuming.  Settle down, you wild eyed Talking Points Memo hand-wringers.  (more…)

I’ve compiled a unique list of what you can do this Earth Day to help save the humans from inevitable destruction via environmental catastrophe:

1. Try to exhale as little as possible today.  I know it’s tough, but puffing out all that unwanted CO2 is really a downer.

2. Ever thought about how much toilet paper you use in a year?  It’s widely determined to be about 30-40,000 sheets, which means that every time you do your deed, you’re foreclosing on the homes of hundreds of squirrels, birdies, and squatters.  Stop using that paper stuff today, and try this LtAG-endorsed ultramodern bamboo solution on for size.

3.  Old kitchen appliances are huge energy wasters- use today as an excuse to rip out your entire kitchen and revamp your eating space.  You’ll feel like a Jetson, AND can finally have room for all those magnetic poetry sets. (Hint: be sure to complete this before your significant other gets home.)

Simba finally gets the thanks he deserves.

4. Do you drink your 8 glasses of water a day?  Stop using all those plastic water bottles, and switch to drinking out of one of these instead.  It may be a little harder to pack in your bag, but it’s refillable and will keep you going all day.

5. When was the last time you thanked a forest creature?  Despite what Hallmark may have you believe, you don’t need a reason to say “thank you” to a member of the animal kingdom.  So go up to your neighborhood deer, emu, or tiger today and thank them for all they do to help sustain our ecosystem.

6. Lightbulbs are so 1854.  Forego the lightswitch today, and convince your office to hold a candle-lit seance.  When you meet the ghosts of coworkers past, you’ll be able to tell them how environmentally responsible you are!

7. Trade in your gas guzzler for this European solution.  Car pooling may be a bit harder than before, but after driving this puppy, there’s no chance you’ll be watching Hawaii 5-0 by yourself this weekend.

8. Tired of seeing all that wasted food in restaurants?  Eat for free this Earth Day: pick a diner of your choice and booth hop, snagging leftovers as you go.  Who said there’s no such thing as free lunch?

9. You can surf the net and go green- dark green- at the same time.  Just be sure to never visit a page with a light-colored background, and you’ll help save precious “watt hours” for the children.

10.  Now that you’ve completed steps 1-9, you’re due for a celebration.  Take a big old swig of green beer, and rejoice in the knowledge that you’ve done 9 completely ridiculous things that may or may not have any impact on the environment.

Pointy-bearded Ivory Tower intellectual Andrew Revkin is appearing every week for the month of April on the Radio Show for which I sometimes toil.  Known mostly for his blog Dot.earth, Revkin kicked off Earth Month by moving to the opinion page of the Times, essentially admitting that his constant crusade for the socialist “Global Whining” farce is his opinion.

That, or so that he can stop having to bring a journalistic objectivity to something that doesn’t deserve it.  In his own words,

I am an advocate, for sure — for reality.

Well… that’s just like, your opinion, man.  Either way, hear him speak his egg-headed economy killing lies on Carbon Tax and Trade here:

and on the hard science behind the Global Warming Hoax here:

Wait ‘ill Glenn Beck hears o’ this, Revkin — you might end up on his black board!

<<Fo real: Andrew Revkin is one of the more rational and reasonable voices writing on the whole climate change issue.  While his writing and thinking is saturated in the leading research of climatologists, his main focus (not completely reflected in the above two episodes) is working on understanding why the gap between what science knows about climate change and what the public perception is about climate change is so different.  One of the better writers, and a daily must check for me!>>

I guess Hanes has taken a hint from eTrade, and realized that it too can make exceedingly annoying commercials surrounding the fact that babies can’t talk, but we can MAKE THEM TALK with computers:

So what’s the message here?  If you don’t buy Hanes EcoSmart^® socks and/or undershirts, the children of the world (or your local mall) will descend upon you like Hitchcockian birds, wielding their Nerf Element EX-6 Action Kits or Longstrike CS-6 shooters.  Well thank you, Hanes.  Never have I felt so heartfelt about my environmental mission, so connected to future generations who will be taking up the tote-bag of progress once I give up my spirited eco-quest.  Or not.

Save this child and this sapling by buying more underwear

While I see the merit in buying 55% recycled socks over socks not made using old materials, I’m going to have to pull the good ‘ol LtAG greenwashing buzzer of bunk.  Take a jaunt around Hanes’ new online environmental site, “HanesGreen.com,” and judge for yourself.  But to me, this is yet another attempt by a gigantasaur company to make consumers think big business cares about the environment, and to get people to save the environment by consuming more.
But wait…maybe I am being to harsh! It seems that Hanes is giving out a free t-shirt if you buy 3 packages of Hanes green products!  And the t-shirt says “Earth” on it, so I can remind others what planet I helped save!

Come on, Hanes.  Think of how much shipping material, packaging, and fabric will be used in this promo that wouldn’t have used before.  Think of that ugly t-shirt which will never be worn by anyone past Earth Day 2010.  Think of the children, Hanes- just like you taught us.  But this time, think of the real children.

You, dear reader, already know why we need a price on carbon. You know that burning fossil fuels releases carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, raising the average temperature of the earth and drastically affecting the global climate. You’re also well-versed in modern economic theory, and understand how negative externalities in a market can be mitigated by determining the cost to society and then including it in the price of a good or service.  So you don’t need to be lectured on how putting a price on carbon dioxide emissions would use market forces to equitably reduce the threat of climate change and promote sustainable alternatives to fossil fuels.  Good for you.

Sadly, though, there are some out there who don’t get it. According to some surveys, close to half of all Americans don’t get it. So, today I am going to give you two powerful tools to use in your quest to knock some sense into people:

• The long, technical, detailed version, by Paul Krugman, or…
• The short, fun, animated version, by Andy Lubershane