This is certainly the oddest greenwashing commercial I’ve hit upon yet.  Specifically, I single out this text:

Cardboard becomes something like books or paper products.  Plastic and styrofoam turns into things like toys and every day useful items.  Now that’s truly beautiful.

Whoever wrote this dialogue is not really sure (a) what recycling is for, or (b) how exactly it works.  Apparently, in the R & F recylcing plant:  leftover boxes and plastic tarps have a parade, then start a conga line, and finish by dropping acid and following green balls of flubber into recycling machines.  Instantly, teddy bears and books appear, whirling around in a reefer haze, making the world greener with every bouncy step.  Ah, the magical world of recycling.  I’d like to take a tour of this factory.

1. Try to exhale as little as possible today.  I know it’s tough, but puffing out all that unwanted CO2 is really a downer.

2. Ever thought about how much toilet paper you use in a year?  It’s widely determined to be about 30-40,000 sheets, which means that every time you do your deed, you’re foreclosing on the homes of hundreds of squirrels, birdies, and squatters.  Stop using that paper stuff today, and try this LtAG-endorsed ultramodern bamboo solution on for size.

3.  Old kitchen appliances are huge energy wasters- use today as an excuse to rip out your entire kitchen and revamp your eating space.  You’ll feel like a Jetson, AND can finally have room for all those magnetic poetry sets. (Hint: be sure to complete this before your significant other gets home.)

Simba finally gets the thanks he deserves.

4. Do you drink your 8 glasses of water a day?  Stop using all those plastic water bottles, and switch to drinking out of one of these instead.  It may be a little harder to pack in your bag, but it’s refillable and will keep you going all day.

5. When was the last time you thanked a forest creature?  Despite what Hallmark may have you believe, you don’t need a reason to say “thank you” to a member of the animal kingdom.  So go up to your neighborhood deer, emu, or tiger today and thank them for all they do to help sustain our ecosystem.

6. Lightbulbs are so 1854.  Forego the lightswitch today, and convince your office to hold a candle-lit seance.  When you meet the ghosts of coworkers past, you’ll be able to tell them how environmentally responsible you are!

7. Trade in your gas guzzler for this European solution.  Car pooling may be a bit harder than before, but after driving this puppy, there’s no chance you’ll be watching Hawaii 5-0 by yourself this weekend.

8. Tired of seeing all that wasted food in restaurants?  Eat for free this Earth Day: pick a diner of your choice and booth hop, snagging leftovers as you go.  Who said there’s no such thing as free lunch?

9. You can surf the net and go green- dark green- at the same time.  Just be sure to never visit a page with a light-colored background, and you’ll help save precious “watt hours” for the children.

10.  Now that you’ve completed steps 1-9, you’re due for a celebration.  Take a big old swig of green beer, and rejoice in the knowledge that you’ve done 9 completely ridiculous things that may or may not have any impact on the environment.

Dutiful readers, well aware of my usual attacks when it comes to company “greening” efforts, may be suprised at my reaction to this campaign.   I actually like this one!   It’s rare for a company to discuss customer’s habits, and motivate for positive change.  And this free coffee bit, followed by Starbucks’ unending promise of 10 cents off any drink when using a reusable cup, are pretty convincing perks.  Bribery works, and I’m interested to see just how many people Starbucks can get to take one step forward in reducing their daily waste.

Starbucks, no doubt, benefits widely from this plan: they get a lot of positive PR, a flood of customers tomorrow,  and reduced costs from not providing cups, sleeves, and lids to a large percentage of customers.  Still, though, I think the net positive outweighs the gain by Starbucks big wigs.  So dig out that coffee mug and get to drinking the pep juice- your environment needs you!

So what’s the message here?  If you don’t buy Hanes EcoSmart^® socks and/or undershirts, the children of the world (or your local mall) will descend upon you like Hitchcockian birds, wielding their Nerf Element EX-6 Action Kits or Longstrike CS-6 shooters.  Well thank you, Hanes.  Never have I felt so heartfelt about my environmental mission, so connected to future generations who will be taking up the tote-bag of progress once I give up my spirited eco-quest.  Or not.

Save this child and this sapling by buying more underwear

While I see the merit in buying 55% recycled socks over socks not made using old materials, I’m going to have to pull the good ‘ol LtAG greenwashing buzzer of bunk.  Take a jaunt around Hanes’ new online environmental site, “HanesGreen.com,” and judge for yourself.  But to me, this is yet another attempt by a gigantasaur company to make consumers think big business cares about the environment, and to get people to save the environment by consuming more.
But wait…maybe I am being to harsh! It seems that Hanes is giving out a free t-shirt if you buy 3 packages of Hanes green products!  And the t-shirt says “Earth” on it, so I can remind others what planet I helped save!

Come on, Hanes.  Think of how much shipping material, packaging, and fabric will be used in this promo that wouldn’t have used before.  Think of that ugly t-shirt which will never be worn by anyone past Earth Day 2010.  Think of the children, Hanes- just like you taught us.  But this time, think of the real children.

A community organizer for Big Oil

I’m not sure if you’ve heard, but our friends over at Big Oil have had a major win today.  But you know what? They deserve this one.  America’s oil companies have toiled long and hard since they first came to this grand country in the Mayflower.  Or was it the Santa Maria?  Either way, they were instrumental in building this country, AND NOBODY EVER GIVES THEM THE HONOR THEY DESERVE.

Big Oil has long been the black sheep of the American energy family, never getting any respect or policy thrown their way (unless you count the incoherent ramblings of one crazy Alaskan).  Yet they have continued on blindly and faithfully, fighting the good fight, insuring that every American man, woman, and child will have secure the right to fuel their yacht until the commie sheep come and take it away.

But today; today the socialist White House potheads threw this underdog a piece of policy big enough for a liberal to choke on:

The Obama administration is proposing to open vast expanses of water along the Atlantic coastline, the eastern Gulf of Mexico and the north coast of Alaska to oil and natural gas drilling, much of it for the first time, officials said Tuesday.  The proposal…would end a longstanding moratorium on oil exploration along the East Coast from the northern tip of Delaware to the central coast of Florida, covering 167 million acres of ocean.

Clearly, this is the right move.  The Ocean? Water? It can suck it.  FISH don’t fuel my hummer.  The TIDES don’t drive me to Taco Bell.  WAVES can’t run my oil-powered alarm clock.  So let’s drill until there ain’t no more of those darn slippery creatures left in the Atlantic.  LtAG founder Alan Smith couldn’t be happier about the news:  “its nice to see them get a win, really.”  Here here.  I’d like to raise a toast- to the underdogs, and to oil.  Because really, they’re one in the same.

P.S. Here’s a little video snippet (from Obama’s YouTube page) showing how offshore drilling has been discriminated against by environmentalists.  Wait..but didn’t Obama…wait. I’m confused.

Mud season. Smell of skunk in the air. In Neil’s open air sugar house, Neil, Norman, and Anna — in flannel shirts and jeans — hung out on recycled furniture watching the sap boil, sipping sap juleps, swapping dog jokes and ideas for their canine businesses.

Let me just be open here and say that I hate these people. Well, no. Hate is a strong word. I hate these people’s idea. I hate the fact that Americans will probably actually buy these bundles of sticks. I hate the fact that they have a WHOLESALE SELLING POLICY on their website, anticipating that people will go crazy knowing they can finally buy sticks to throw to their dog. I hate that Treehugger says they’re “ambivalent” about Fetchstix. Come on boys, you’re letting me down!

But let me take a step back and look at this from an LtAG standpoint. Neil and Norman and Anna and all the rest of them are claiming their product is an environmental boon. An end to plastic dog toys. A savior to landfills. But…but…NO! It is not green to pick up sticks, package them, and ship them all over the world. NO GORES FOR YOU.

Tired of eco-friendly products that look clunky and behave sub-par, DBA is a company focused on creating green pens, notebooks, dish-racks, heaters, and even humidifiers that appeal to both design geeks and granola munchers alike. Aside from its sleek appearance (prototypes have yet to be released to the public), DBA’s writing utensil is the first in the world(!?) that doesn’t have petrochemical ink. That’s right- it’s made from food grade substances similar to those you can find in soda, and is completely non-toxic. Couple that with the fact that the pen casing is made from potatoes, and you’ve got one natural writing utensil. Throw away the nib when you’re done, and you can actually compost the pen in your backyard bin. (If you’re a good hippie, of course).

My hat goes off to DBA for developing this pen (which is all New York State-produced), and more importantly, the ink. Their costs are cheaper than big pen companies, so hopefully Staples and some of the other big players can get in on this groundbreaking ink development. FOUR GORES!

make sure you watch until time 4:33 for the full impact.