Living the American Green

Earlier today, my friend Cassie made me aware of a new, groundbreaking step forward in the world of dog toys. Friends, I bring you, Fetchstix. What is it? It’s a bundle of sticks. Wrapped in twine. Sold to you for THIRTEEN DOLLARS. No, not 13 fake Pirate dubloons, not 13 Chuck-e-Cheese tolkens. Thirteen AMERICAN DOLLARS. “But the sticks,” you say. “They must be special sticks that allow you to fly and ward off evil leprechauns trying to steal your Cocoa Puffs.” And I must reply, head down, feet scuffling the dirt, “No. They are regular sticks.” Here is the whimsical tale of the creators of Fetchstix, as read on their website:

Mud season. Smell of skunk in the air. In Neil’s open air sugar house, Neil, Norman, and Anna — in flannel shirts and jeans — hung out on recycled furniture watching the sap boil, sipping sap juleps, swapping dog jokes and ideas for their canine businesses.

Let me just be open here and say that I hate these people. Well, no. Hate is a strong word. I hate these people’s idea. I hate the fact that Americans will probably actually buy these bundles of sticks. I hate the fact that they have a WHOLESALE SELLING POLICY on their website, anticipating that people will go crazy knowing they can finally buy sticks to throw to their dog. I hate that Treehugger says they’re “ambivalent” about Fetchstix. Come on boys, you’re letting me down!

But let me take a step back and look at this from an LtAG standpoint. Neil and Norman and Anna and all the rest of them are claiming their product is an environmental boon. An end to plastic dog toys. A savior to landfills. But…but…NO! It is not green to pick up sticks, package them, and ship them all over the world. NO GORES FOR YOU.

Who wrote this one?  Dana Variano is a screenwriter, director, and new media strategist. She is the founder of Where’s My Sled? Productions, and is currently working as Web Content Manager/Producer for a housing nonprofit. Read more from this author