Living the American Green

I’ve compiled a unique list of what you can do this Earth Day to help save the humans from inevitable destruction via environmental catastrophe:

1. Try to exhale as little as possible today.  I know it’s tough, but puffing out all that unwanted CO2 is really a downer.

2. Ever thought about how much toilet paper you use in a year?  It’s widely determined to be about 30-40,000 sheets, which means that every time you do your deed, you’re foreclosing on the homes of hundreds of squirrels, birdies, and squatters.  Stop using that paper stuff today, and try this LtAG-endorsed ultramodern bamboo solution on for size.

3.  Old kitchen appliances are huge energy wasters- use today as an excuse to rip out your entire kitchen and revamp your eating space.  You’ll feel like a Jetson, AND can finally have room for all those magnetic poetry sets. (Hint: be sure to complete this before your significant other gets home.)

Simba finally gets the thanks he deserves.

4. Do you drink your 8 glasses of water a day?  Stop using all those plastic water bottles, and switch to drinking out of one of these instead.  It may be a little harder to pack in your bag, but it’s refillable and will keep you going all day.

5. When was the last time you thanked a forest creature?  Despite what Hallmark may have you believe, you don’t need a reason to say “thank you” to a member of the animal kingdom.  So go up to your neighborhood deer, emu, or tiger today and thank them for all they do to help sustain our ecosystem.

6. Lightbulbs are so 1854.  Forego the lightswitch today, and convince your office to hold a candle-lit seance.  When you meet the ghosts of coworkers past, you’ll be able to tell them how environmentally responsible you are!

7. Trade in your gas guzzler for this European solution.  Car pooling may be a bit harder than before, but after driving this puppy, there’s no chance you’ll be watching Hawaii 5-0 by yourself this weekend.

8. Tired of seeing all that wasted food in restaurants?  Eat for free this Earth Day: pick a diner of your choice and booth hop, snagging leftovers as you go.  Who said there’s no such thing as free lunch?

9. You can surf the net and go green- dark green- at the same time.  Just be sure to never visit a page with a light-colored background, and you’ll help save precious “watt hours” for the children.

10.  Now that you’ve completed steps 1-9, you’re due for a celebration.  Take a big old swig of green beer, and rejoice in the knowledge that you’ve done 9 completely ridiculous things that may or may not have any impact on the environment.

Who wrote this one?  Dana Variano is a screenwriter, director, and new media strategist. She is the founder of Where’s My Sled? Productions, and is currently working as Web Content Manager/Producer for a housing nonprofit. Read more from this author